Los Angeles Locals Only

Los Angeles Locals Only

So I was walking to my front door, stepped out cautiously, locked the door and tried opening it to make sure it was locked and it was......good. I made my way to my car and cautiously got in making sure there were no street urchins trying to attack me. Afterwards I unlocked my car door and got in, making sure I was safely strapped in with my doors locked, windows up, and car started before shifting in gear and taking off.

I screeched off like a roaring wolf in the distance of neighborhood dwelling street punks. There was not a single person a live that could stop my roar, not standing on there own two feet that is.

I raged across the night, through Hollywood and down Sunset, blazing and crazing from bar to bar look for whatever middle class yet decent looking female to bed and breakfast, unless she's not into breakfast at which point i'll get the general vibe and take off unless i'm just being a douche and do it regardless.

I'll awake Monday morning only to look forward to the following weekend, where it will begin again, anew.

Taking on new meaning, I head into the weekend. One full five second stop at a time.

No California-Rolls.

Sushi is tight.

I'm Joking

I'm Joking

Autism is a growing problem in America. It now affects one in sixty eight American children in America. America. America. America. America. America.

Additional funding in schools makes sense as the average IQ levels of schools will undoubtedly be dropping, and by dropping I mean like a penny off the Empire State Building or prepubescent testicles strapped to a brick dropped off the side of a skyscraper like bing HELLO! That was supposed to be slower and more natural but alright. 

Sorry to all the pre-pubescent males out there reading this. I had to get my ball jokes in. 

I was reading a page in TIME magazine recently about Mark Zuckerberg, and then it said he got married. 

When I was at a friends place one time some dude came over at started talking trash to my friend you know, real mean and was all,"Oh mothafucka ima kill u!" I was all,"Excuse me, Excuse me, you're waking the neighbors and they read their newspapers every morning at 8pm and go to work in government-run institutions garnering all their income from government and now your dumb fucking ass comes up in here expecting me not to use my government sanctioned rights on your ass?" I said,"You know the bill of rights right?" He was all," Yeah." "Yeah, we'll check the 2nd."

He was all,"Wup Wup W- Well uh..." and my friend said," It's on the wall, over there." He said pointing at the wall behind him. The guy turned around and a huge Bear trophy was on the wall behind him.

Jeez I think that guy went out and voted after that or something. Probably folded some flags or joined the reserves or something. 

I was driving down the street to class the other day and I was thinking to myself,"Gee my teacher sure has nice tits." Then I proceeded to make a five second full and complete stop, and signal over while changing lanes after a 3 second warning. Safety first after all.

I was on my way from the parking lot when I thought,"God those jugs belong to a beer hall." Then I smiled and waved to a friend of mine greeting him and engaging him in small talk. I looked him and told him,"I banged your mom last night." He then resisted the urge to hit me and told me what I said was incredibly rude and to "get a life." 

I walked to class in a single file orderly fashion looking straight ahead on the lookout for suspicious behavior and arrived at my class 5 minutes early sat in the front row and said a small prayer before class and organized my pencils and notebook on my desk neatly. The girl with sweetest, juiciest, tightest, yoga-pants-strapped ass came in class and bounced down in front of me. 

I averted my eyes cautiously, looking for any possible perverts or subversives. The teacher arrived casting me a smile that said,"If you act nuts again today I'll blow your fucking head off." I stared directly into her eyes, respecting her authority while feeling momentarily informal, whilst paying close attention and hanging on every word. I could not help but grow fond of her as she discussed the Eisenhower Era, thinking,"Man could I use a cold beer right fucking now." 

As lecture ended and I rose to exit the class a few friends of mine waved me over. I calmly proceeded toward them addressing them by their full names and asking how many laws they'd broken in the past day to which they laughed and said,"Only the law of supply and demand. Jeez our wives want us to attend an in-laws baby shower instead of campaigning for the repeal of alcohol." to which I chuckled and said,"That's because they're subversives." And we all laughed. They told me they had a tutoring session to attend and filed out. 

I quickly entered the restroom and jerked off with a thunder that couldn't be stolen by the world's fastest living being. Filing out of the restroom after washing my hands with two pushes of soap and 30 seconds of thorough hot water, followed by two blow dryer rounds and a reciting of the sanitation laws. 

I walked peacefully to my car in a single file not being subversive in any way, slowly exited the parking garage after clicking my seat belt, starting the car engine, wanting to jerk off in publi-WOOPS! Checking the Gas, making sure all the lights are good, removing the brake, shifting the knob, Exploding Dicks! Fuck! And slowly waiting my turn before proceeding home at which point I got shitfaced, stoned, sold some crack and watched Seinfeld.