Los Angeles Locals Only

Los Angeles Locals Only

So I was walking to my front door, stepped out cautiously, locked the door and tried opening it to make sure it was locked and it was......good. I made my way to my car and cautiously got in making sure there were no street urchins trying to attack me. Afterwards I unlocked my car door and got in, making sure I was safely strapped in with my doors locked, windows up, and car started before shifting in gear and taking off.

I screeched off like a roaring wolf in the distance of neighborhood dwelling street punks. There was not a single person a live that could stop my roar, not standing on there own two feet that is.

I raged across the night, through Hollywood and down Sunset, blazing and crazing from bar to bar look for whatever middle class yet decent looking female to bed and breakfast, unless she's not into breakfast at which point i'll get the general vibe and take off unless i'm just being a douche and do it regardless.

I'll awake Monday morning only to look forward to the following weekend, where it will begin again, anew.

Taking on new meaning, I head into the weekend. One full five second stop at a time.

No California-Rolls.

Sushi is tight.

Cyborgs

Cyborgs

You know you never really realize how easy Mathematics is until you can do it with your eyes closed.

You never really like something until you're really good at it. When you're really good at something it's incredibly easy to like simply for the fact that you've never or rarely are bad at it. If you enjoy something that you aren't really good at but so-so, perfect it, it makes it that much better. It make take time That's normal.

Cyborgs, let discuss Cyborgs.

So Cyborgs are essentially robots.The difference is that a Cyborg has both organic and mechanical parts to it. Kind of like a cybernetic half and half. Like a organic/mechanical cross-breed.

Basically, since organic organisms like humans are flesh and mechanical organisms are typically metal, a Cyborg is a cross between both. They also tend to be incredibly good at blending as they are partly products of biological and mechanical engineering making them nothing to be trifled with. If you've ever seen the Terminator then you would think oh, that's a cyborg. Wrong. That's a Robot, wearing human flesh as a skin.

Think Cyborg from Teen Titans, an ACTUAL human cyborg whose largely controlled by his human brain but whose body is largely robotic in nature. As he is literally HALF man, and HALF robot, he is LITERALLY a Cyborg.

Androids, Robots, and Steampunks are all quite different and should not be confused.

Wiki them up for more info!

I'm Joking

I'm Joking

Autism is a growing problem in America. It now affects one in sixty eight American children in America. America. America. America. America. America.

Additional funding in schools makes sense as the average IQ levels of schools will undoubtedly be dropping, and by dropping I mean like a penny off the Empire State Building or prepubescent testicles strapped to a brick dropped off the side of a skyscraper like bing HELLO! That was supposed to be slower and more natural but alright. 

Sorry to all the pre-pubescent males out there reading this. I had to get my ball jokes in. 

I was reading a page in TIME magazine recently about Mark Zuckerberg, and then it said he got married. 

When I was at a friends place one time some dude came over at started talking trash to my friend you know, real mean and was all,"Oh mothafucka ima kill u!" I was all,"Excuse me, Excuse me, you're waking the neighbors and they read their newspapers every morning at 8pm and go to work in government-run institutions garnering all their income from government and now your dumb fucking ass comes up in here expecting me not to use my government sanctioned rights on your ass?" I said,"You know the bill of rights right?" He was all," Yeah." "Yeah, we'll check the 2nd."

He was all,"Wup Wup W- Well uh..." and my friend said," It's on the wall, over there." He said pointing at the wall behind him. The guy turned around and a huge Bear trophy was on the wall behind him.

Jeez I think that guy went out and voted after that or something. Probably folded some flags or joined the reserves or something. 

I was driving down the street to class the other day and I was thinking to myself,"Gee my teacher sure has nice tits." Then I proceeded to make a five second full and complete stop, and signal over while changing lanes after a 3 second warning. Safety first after all.

I was on my way from the parking lot when I thought,"God those jugs belong to a beer hall." Then I smiled and waved to a friend of mine greeting him and engaging him in small talk. I looked him and told him,"I banged your mom last night." He then resisted the urge to hit me and told me what I said was incredibly rude and to "get a life." 

I walked to class in a single file orderly fashion looking straight ahead on the lookout for suspicious behavior and arrived at my class 5 minutes early sat in the front row and said a small prayer before class and organized my pencils and notebook on my desk neatly. The girl with sweetest, juiciest, tightest, yoga-pants-strapped ass came in class and bounced down in front of me. 

I averted my eyes cautiously, looking for any possible perverts or subversives. The teacher arrived casting me a smile that said,"If you act nuts again today I'll blow your fucking head off." I stared directly into her eyes, respecting her authority while feeling momentarily informal, whilst paying close attention and hanging on every word. I could not help but grow fond of her as she discussed the Eisenhower Era, thinking,"Man could I use a cold beer right fucking now." 

As lecture ended and I rose to exit the class a few friends of mine waved me over. I calmly proceeded toward them addressing them by their full names and asking how many laws they'd broken in the past day to which they laughed and said,"Only the law of supply and demand. Jeez our wives want us to attend an in-laws baby shower instead of campaigning for the repeal of alcohol." to which I chuckled and said,"That's because they're subversives." And we all laughed. They told me they had a tutoring session to attend and filed out. 

I quickly entered the restroom and jerked off with a thunder that couldn't be stolen by the world's fastest living being. Filing out of the restroom after washing my hands with two pushes of soap and 30 seconds of thorough hot water, followed by two blow dryer rounds and a reciting of the sanitation laws. 

I walked peacefully to my car in a single file not being subversive in any way, slowly exited the parking garage after clicking my seat belt, starting the car engine, wanting to jerk off in publi-WOOPS! Checking the Gas, making sure all the lights are good, removing the brake, shifting the knob, Exploding Dicks! Fuck! And slowly waiting my turn before proceeding home at which point I got shitfaced, stoned, sold some crack and watched Seinfeld.

Abraham Lincoln was a Grammar Nazi

Abraham Lincoln was a Grammar Nazi

So apparently Abraham Lincoln was a Grammar Nazi. Yup, just found out actually. You know it could be so much worse. Abraham Lincoln also had a high-pitched voice. I can only imagine Abraham Lincoln, a high-pitched grammar nazi, giving a state of the union address. In fact, the reason they call him "Honest Abe" was because he was so honest....about grammatical errors. 

Abraham was well known for his grammarian stature and was noted for his Grammatical Precision while giving his famous "Four Score" speech to the Union Army. Many believed this enforcement of strict adherence to grammar was a way of compensating for his high pitch. Others believe it was his way of  humiliating others preemptively as they often did him.

The World May Never Know.

Obama, Putin, and Europe

Obama, Putin, and Europe

A Swat Team is about to break into your house and the entirety of five city blocks surrounding your home have been blocked off. You have ten seconds to prepare yourself before them battering ram your door, smashing it off its hinges and storm the place.

Just kidding, not another one of those god dam posts! Enough is enough!

Time for some awesome shit.

America is apparently doing better in the economy, Russia has decided it probably ISN'T gonna annex the Ukraine, Poland is kind of just chilling, and Germany is like, "Who needs money?"

Obama does look incredibly weak when it comes to his deals with Putin it's kind of like, "When is the Big O gonna lay the smack down and mop the floor with this guy!?" But hey, if a country won't defend itself for fear of severe overwhelming retaliation at the merest flinch of aggression from a defensive nation you're BONED.

Democracy flies out the window and might makes right, realities make for great reality television, and still being alive means those that are dead by default cannot have what you're fighting over.

Cool.

In other news don't mention X or Y or Z or you'll die in a feminazi fire, a grammar nazi fire, or a labor nazi fire.

Rainbows.

Cowboys vs. Ninjas?

Cowboys vs. Ninjas?

Win the age old battle of cowboys vs ninjas one must examine the obvious unfortold and unforeseen paradoxes that undergird both. Essentially, Cowboys have guns ando lassos while at the same time typically riding horses as their mode of travel. They typically do well in duels like in the movies but rarely have the discipline of a ninja. They're prone to acts of sudden verility and dercisiveness that can lead to their sudden and oftentimes humorous audience appeal. Cowboys have always been known for their sharp reflexes, especially with their hands. They also tend to be pretty good with a rifle and can conceal weapons in the most unsuspecting of places such as in the Eastwood films.

Ninjas, on the other hand, are actually the epitome of discipline. They train for most of their lives and sacrifice love, lust, and the majority of what makes people not killing machines for the sake of concentration so strong and an agility so swift they can run on water. Ninjas also have ninja stars, or shurikens, which they use to subdue, maim, or mortally wound their opponents. Their pouch also oftentimes carries smoke bombs, knives, and other weapons and although ninjas don't usually have horses they do usually have the ability to jump from tree to tree using their almost internally combusted locomotive skills.

Based on these facts alone one could assert that ninjas are the clear victor, but...

That wouldn't be sportsmanlike would it? 

So what do you think?

Whose better in a fight, cowboys or ninjas?

Humanity has been turned into a race of slaves by Aliens.

Humanity has been turned into a race of slaves by Aliens.

There's nothing that can be done to stop them, they're everywhere. They've forced the humans into fields miles long and there's literally nothing that can be done to save them from their eventual fates. Then a fucking UNICORN came the fuck out of nowhere and starts IMPALING aliens on its horn fucking people up left and right hoofing their brains in and whiplashing them with it's tail firing rainbow laser beams out of its horn slicing entire rows of aliens into explosions. Then, the teenage mutant ninja turtles show up and start smacking the shit of the aliens cutting and slicing, smacking, choking, and breaking their will with each alien they slaughter, eventually destroying thousands.

The power rangers show up with shotguns and blow their heads off because fuck the power rangers.

The humans were eventually free by Unicorn and Friends and all was well.

The day was saved by Unicorn and Friends.

End of the World Question and Answer

End of the World Question and Answer

The earth is shaking, it's the end of the world and the world is about to explode, what do you do?

One Rule: If you try to warn ANYONE, it will EXPLODE!

Well, simple I simply take advantage of this time to do everything I never did while the Earth wasn't about to explode. I'd probably sky dive, catch fireflies, butterflies, play rugby, get in a bar fight, go to an orgy, kill someone, shoot an AA-12 shotgun, snowboard, air-drop snowboard out of a helicopter, sky-board, perhaps maybe have some gourmet steak from the world's finest chef. followed by a date with Scarlet Johansson. Afterwards, i'd probably visit the heads of all the major religions and of course the world's smartest scientists and ask them everything I can about the afterlife. I would then attempt to democratize Somalia, conquer Afghanistan, and find Atlantis. I would also fight through the war-stricken trenches of War 3 for Atlantis emerging as Leader of Everything. Then, as I was about to die as Leader of Everything, I would ask the people if they want to come with me and, lovingly they would say "Yes!" I mean who isn't polite when you're about to die right? Then I would tell them of the End and we'd all go together.

Yep, that just about sums up what i'd do with the rest of my life and the rest of everyone else's. I now, pretty bad-ass right? Dabs.

Good Morning

Good Morning

How are you? 

I'd like to make a formal apology to the following individuals and entities: Warner Bros, the Parks and Recs, State Funded Schools, the Lunch Ladies, the Asians, the Jamaicans, the Mexicans, the Hicks, the entire continent of Africa, the State of Tangiers, Zimbabwe, King Kong, Her Majesty the Queen of England, and my ass for last nights chili.